The must have this season.......

Babies!!!

Is it just me or is everyone in Hollywood getting knocked up or giving birth?? In one weekend we had three starlets in the same hospital popping them out. And every where we turn someone new is sporting the "baby bump."

I am not that old. I am still very much in touch with what is going on in the world. And I have two little girls in the house so know what is going on the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon. But, when I was growing up if a girl was 16 and knocked up she went into hiding. No one knew when she was going to be due or how she was coming along but now we can't help but be poured with pictures of the latest teen that is caring around a little bun in the oven.

Maybe it's because of the writer's strike. All these poor women out of work so they are filling in their free time. If that's the case I hope the strike is over soon as I am sick of my favorite hotties being not so sexy prego women.

Tag...I'm It!!

I've had the pleasure to have been tagged by the great CJ! (A must read in the great blog land!! )The rules are as follows:

• Link to the person that tagged you


• Post the rules on your blog


• Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself


• Tag six random people at the end of your past by linking to their blogs


• Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website

So, for your viewing (reading) pleasure, in no particular order....

1. 
   I think feet are disgusting! I can't stand people touching my feet and I won't touch someone else's feet. I don't want them bumping into each other in bed either. I do not want a foot rub and I will not be giving any. Feet are icky!


2. I have to always have three gallons of ice tea going in the fridge. If I empty one I make a new one. I love ice tea!


3. I have had the same shower routine since I was eight. Get in, wash hair, rinse lather repeat. Put conditioner in hair. Put on facial scrub. Wash body from toes to neck. Rinse. Shave legs, armpits, and other area's if needed. Rinse. Rinse face scrub off, and rinse conditioner out of hair.


4. 
   I can't eat M&M's one at a time. I like things being even so always have to have an even number in my mouth. If I get an odd number I have to bite one in half to even it out.


5. I was born mostly deaf and learned to read lips. I can't talk to someone without staring at their mouth.


6. I can pee and not poop....but I can't poop..and not pee. Just how it goes. LOL

Let the tagging begin. The people I am going to tag are...(again in no particular order)

AskALesbian because her stories make me giggle. She also has a dog I am pretty sure would make out with me!

Zoe Because of her use of the word twat!

Gale Rainwater because more people should view the talent on this page....it makes the gloomiest of my days brighter!

Curly McDimple because that stuff is funny...I don't care who you are!

Rainbow in the Golden State because she is teaching me the "lesbo lingo"

The Wishful Writer because she is cool like that!!

Lindsey Lohan's Death Sentence

Lindsay Lohan is about to see dead people. The 21-year-old actress will soon be working at a morgue as part of her punishment for misdemeanor drunken driving. She also has to spend two days working in the local ER.

I don't know about anyone else but when I do something stupid and get mixed up with the law....I don't think I am going to do some community service and be done with it. My dear friend Trouble has seen her share of DUI's. On her first one she was given 15 days shock time and a year of probation. I don't remember what she got on the second one. Either way....since when does making a couple million dollars a year make you above the law.

Our beloved Brittney has had a couple of DUI's as well. However, as we see every night, she is legally driving. How the hell does that woman have a licence? I thought once you have a couple you lost your privilege for a while. Oh wait...not for our pop princess though??

I think we should have punishments that knock these girl down a peg or two. Like if you get a DUI you should have to be the person who checks for Elephant hernia's. And if you do drugs you should have to clean up manure of all the pens in the zoo! For doing stupid shit.....you should get shit!

I don't have much knowledge as to how our socially elite were treated 20 years ago when they broke the law, but I am guessing they had it a bit harder. Now, you break a crime and spend four hours in jail. Most jails take that long just to book you in. Does the common Joe Blow have the right to bring up Miss Priss' sentence when he is getting 30 days?

So, Miss Lohan is going to be hanging with dead people. I hope she learns her lesson and gets her head on straight. Little girls, mine included, look up to these flakes. I wish they knew they impact they have and do things that they could be proud of. Instead of stupid antics to keep them in the headlines!

(Stepping off my soapbox now.)

I have no problem flying.....my landings just suck!

I am a klutz. What do they say, the first part of fixing a problem is acknowledging you have one? So, I have one! LOL

I was a cheerleader in high school and college and ran track. You would think doing these things I would have some level of coordination. But, nope!

This year my friends and I were planning to go out and live it up on my birthday. The week before is a good friends birthday so we head out to it and to kick off my birthday week!! When we get there we are pleased to see so many of our friends out. My girl and I hadn't been out with this group of friends in a while so we decided to live it up.

The night started with one of our favorite drink slingers giving us free shots. I had two. Mind you this isn't enough to even give me a buzz. So, I order my usual and chill at a table watching people dance.

My good friend (partner in crime) whom I shall call Beats starts razzing me. "Remember a few days ago when you were doing that adorable dance to Jump on It?"

Mmmhmmmm I sure do. I am in a great mood so I say let's go see if he has it and we will do that dance in the middle of the dance floor. Liven things up a bit.

Mind you, the bar is packed!! You can't go to the back of the dance floor because it is wall to wall people. You could go in front of the dance floor but that would mean having to walk on this low rise stage in front of everyone. I am looking pretty fly so I decide we cut across the stage.

We make our way over there and ask Mr. DJ if he has Jump On It. He doesn't. I was actually bummed about not being able to make a fool out of myself. Until.....

We head back to our table and decide once again to cut across the little stage. Up I go..I trot across and right then a light flashes right in my eye from the dance floor. I am blind. I step out and apparently had ran out of stage. Down I go.

I remember looking up and seeing some dude on the other side of the dance floor looking at me trying to decide if I am drunk or not and if I needed help. I quickly gather my hits and go to stand up. At first I feel nothing. I then look to my girl and am worried. Her eyes are as big as sand dollars and she is pale. I think she is just amazed at how much of a klutz I am. I step down on my right foot. The pain that shot through my leg was intense.

I have a little medical training in my background. I should have had this situation figured out....yeah, not so much. I suddenly become very very dizzy and the volume in the room slowly fades away. I watch as lights began to flicker and fade....my girl is saying something but I can't hear. My first thought..."Dammit...I feel off a stage and someone spiked my drink?!" Ummm yeah, no one spiked the drinks....Wendy....meet Shock! LOL

I lay back down on the stage and wait for the room to stop spinning or me to pass out which ever will happen first. I finally feel a bit better. Someone was a nurse there.....she came to look at it and freaked out and said go to the ER now. That is never a good thing to tell someone who just about fainted!!!

Oh and did I mention my pride? Yeah...I felt a fool already. So when someone says they are going to carry me out I flip a lid! I am going to walk out of there if it kills me. I bite into my lower lip and head for the door. I am not sure who this hurt more. Everyone was watching and turning green. Later I am told my ankle kind of crunched with every step. Once outside of the bar I scream.....and then cry.

We jet off to the ER. Surprisingly for a Saturday night......there weren't many people there. They took one look at it and sent me back.

I had on the cutest little black skirt, black halter. I could care less about who has seen my underwear at this point. However, as I am laying there waiting to hear what they saw in my X-ray , my friend tells me the janitor is across the hall gawking up my skirt. Really?? I am in pain freak!

I broke it and tore tendons and muscle. I had cast and crutches. And.....no birthday party! :(

I can't go anywhere now without being told to be careful. And when someone plans a party they make sure there is nothing for me to step up on and then maybe fall off of. I even get told to be careful when I go down the stairs in my house!!

It's those things that make you go Hmmmmm

While posting to a blog the other day I came up with some questions I have always wanted to know the answers to. If you know the answers....could you please tell me what they are? Thanks so much!

Toilet Paper~
I don't really want to know who made it or why....I think we all know why. What I am most curious about is who decided the shape of it. I mean who decided that it should be more square than rectangle? And why not have them 8 inches long instead of 5? Or even how wide it is? Who said it should only be about 4 inches wide? Was there a round table meeting about it? Did people sit around holding toilet paper and cut it and folded it and finally decided this is what we will forever use to wipe our butts?


Pop Can Tabs~
I have always wondered about those little suckers. First off, if they didn't want us pulling them off they shouldn't have made it so relaxing to sit there and flip it back and forth and back and forth and back and forth till the darn thing popped off! Oh, and just exactly what does Ronald McDonald do with all those pop tops and how does he get money from them??


Drive through Liquor Stores~
No where in the US can you drive and have an open alcoholic beverage in your car. So what exactly is the point of a drive through liquor store?? I mean they are always pelting us with those don't drink and drive ads yet a drive through liquor store can get a business license?


Sterile Lethal Injection~
I am sure you have thought about this one. Why do they swab alcohol on the arm before they stick the needle in for lethal injection?? I mean he's being put to death but we are worried about infection? Is it concern for our worm population? I don't get that one at all!


Hospital gowns~
This one I am sure was done by some prankster as a joke and no one realized it was a joke so we will forever be walking around hospitals with our asses hanging out. Somewhere that man is laughing his non exposed ass off all the way to the bank!


Psychic~
How come you never hear of a psychic winning the lottery? If you could tell the future would you know the numbers each week and cash in?? I mean right before you created world peace and all.


Oscars~
Where do they store the huge golden Oscar all year until it is awards time again? Is there a guard for the Oscar?


Little Caesars~
Does the mascot for Little Caesars wear underwear under his toga?


Edible Underwear~
Who on god's green earth came up with this??? I mean, is having sex with a woman so much work that you need a snack and fear of eating all her good panties you get her some made out of fruit roll up?? Doesn't sugar down there cause yeast infections?? Are you trying to make sweet bread??


Women's Health~
While we are talking about that area, why is that the woman who does the herpes ad also does the vaginal odor ad. And she does the yeast infection ad, and the tampax ad, and the home pregnancy ad?? Frankly we know way too much about her vagina!!


I will it at that for now. But I am sure I will get off on pondering things like this again.

Ghost Hunting? I think NOT!

I just finished watching an episode of one of my favorite shows via YouTube!! Ghost Hunters has a crew now called TAPS. (I have no idea what TAPS stands for and will have to google it after I write this.) The two guys who run the operation work for RotoRooter during the day and are ghost hunters at night. Which is pretty cool cause I imagine you see some pretty scary stuff out of certain people's drains!

So this episode was at a house that was built 200ft from where the house the Manson Murders were carried out. Ever since having built the house scary things had happened. So the crew goes in to investigate. There were several things that happened that they were able to document.

Blinds moving.
One set of investigators were in the living room and were asking the ghosts to show them a sign they were there...the blinds started moving. They went to inspect and there was no draft or vent of anything that should have made them move. Creepy!

Big Bang.
There are sitting in a room and again ask the ghosts for a sign. A big bang come from the other room(kitchen). They go in there and first check the ice machine. There was no fresh ice. They never could find anything that made the sound.

Talk to the ghost.
Here is where the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. They have this machine that measures energy. It will flash as energy spikes or something like that. So they ask the ghost questions and tell it how it can make the machine flash. I will be damned if it didn't!! It answered yes or no questions. They then asked the ghost to lower the temperature in the room by 7 degrees. It did!!!

I love ghost stories. I think there is something to it. I am not sure what but love them. The first house Cindy and I lived in together was very strange. Doors would open and close on their own as would windows. Our dog would growl at this one door just before it would open on it's own. We later find out a grandmother and grandfather were killed in that house by their grandson!!! Creepy.

Anyone else have any ghost stories??? Seen anything you can't quite explain?? I would love to hear about them if you have.

Oh and to my friend who thought little creatures were walking on her pillow in my guest room.....I still don't think that house was haunted but keep on believing it was. LOL

Yippey! A snow day.....

When I was a kid...I loved any reason to have a day off of school. I grew up in the south so we didn't have snow days. Occasionally we would get a bunch of rain and it would wash out the road to the house....we would get a mud day!

Then I grew up. Had some kiddo's of my own. I am not such a fan of the "snow day".

I love to brag on my kids. But, any mother can relate here, a day home from school that keeps the kids cooped up in the house is not as wonderful as it seemed as a child. In fact, I am only writing this blog to escape making cupcakes with my girls, looking at the newest dragon my son made with his K'nex or playing "aggrevation".


The last snow day they had we headed out to play in it. Cindy was out of town so the kids didn't even bother putting their coats on just some sweatshirts. (Cindy makes them bundle up...she is a northerner.) For 30 minutes it was a great time. I took the camera out and snapped pics of them making snow angles (I snuck out later and put horns on them) they had a snow ball fight (my son has the best aim....the girls got pegged a few times) and gathered clean snow to make snow ice cream. For 30 minutes we all had a good time. Then I realized how cold I was. My fingers were red and numb. My nose was running. And my lips were chapped! So I said we should go inside.

I have beautiful hard wood floors. Well, until the kids came in. They tracked snow into every room in the house. Scarves and gloves landed everywhere. And the orders for hot cocoa were pouring in. Then they wanted to invite other friends home because of the snow over to our house!!! Ummm not so much!!

Now as an adult...I really understand why my mother seemed so tired after a day of us kids home from school. I also realized she did a lot during the day while I was gone that when I am home I can keep her from getting done. And....when you grow up....snow days suck!!

You put the Q-Tip where??

This is by far the best drunk story I have been around to hear. I of course had to change the names to protect the innocent (or not so much).

My best friend got a new black lab puppy. Cutest little dog...dumb and clumsy. Loved it! She was trying to get him house broke and having a hard time with it. I had passed on the things that had helped me in housebreaking our dogs and they didn't seem to help. She calls one night wanting to know why her dog will never poop outside.
Friend: He will not poop outside. I take him out and he pees and that is it. Then 20 minutes later he goes and poops in the garage.

Me: Trying walking him more often till he poops. I have also heard if you take the poo outside and let him smell it out there it will help.

A few nights later....

Friend: Wendy, this dog still will not pop outside....the guy down the street told me to gently put a q-tip up his butt and it will make him poo. I am scared to do it though.

(Do you know how hard it is not to laugh at this point???)

Me: Well...be gentle...and maybe talk soothing to him while you do it. (Soothing?? Maybe I should have suggested a reach around too??!!)

So she probes the poor puppy in the booty with a Q-tip. It worked!! She did it twice more the next two days and now he would poop outside. Who would have thunk it??

That is not where this blog ends I am afraid.

~~~~~~Warning~~~~ Do not drink anything till you have finished reading from this point on!! I will not be responsible for fluid coming out your nose!!

OK....so good friend is drunk one night. Really really drunk!! She calls and sounds like she is in pain!

Friend: Wendy, I have a problem.
Me: Are you ok?
Friend: No..I have a problem.
Me:ha ha ok...what's the problem
Friend: I'm constipated.

Now right now you all know where this is headed.

Me: You should pick up some stool softeners from the store.
Friend: I did! It's not working!!
Me: You could get an enema at the store.
Friend: Ok..I will call you back.

20 minutes later
Friend: Well I am not longer constipated.
Me: Enema worked?
Friend: Nope....remember the trick with the Q-Tip and the dog?

New Puppy:$300
Laxatives:$5
Telling your friend you stuck a Q-Tip up your butt while drunk: Pricele$$

This could be your Ex!!

Normally, I don't like to blog about people and make them look bad. However, every now and then some people do some stupid stuff and you can't help but want to share it.

My ex is a dope. Seriously. He gave me three amazing children. Nothing much beyond that I am afraid. He cheated while we were married. He was abusive. It goes on and on. To date he has 10 children with 4 women. I believe there are now two on the way as well.

My son is sick of all the babies. He has no space at their house and has pretty much had it. But, that's not my point.

So, this man has penis issues. From the day I met him he told me how he had never masturbated. Not once! Wtf?? I wasn't sure I could believe him. After a few years I learned it was the truth though. Because, not only does not masturbate but he can't stand to even touch his own penis. He sits to pee. In the shower he had to use a poof to clean himself never his hand. And when it came to sex, if he didn't aim right he expected you to aim it for him. Have you ever heard of a man with such penis issues?? However he has no problems sticking it in any woman who let him. How does a man live like that??

Maybe I should send him a book about the joys of self love. If he were able to love him self from time to time maybe he wouldn't be looking for the new baby momma.

He use to have a pretty good job in the hotel business. However, sleeping with the help and getting them pregnant can get you in trouble. Oh, and the same with romping at the McDonald's you work at. LOL Good lord!!

Now he works at Costco....selling coskets!! You gotta love Karma!

Meet the Boys!!!

Typical to Lesbian behavior we have two dogs. However, I got to pick out the dogs. LOL They are the cutest little fur balls!

Baxter~
He is half Chihuahua and half shitzu. He will be two in May. He was my birthday present two years ago. I wanted a cute little foo-foo dog. I actually wanted a Yorkie but Cindy wasn't ready to throw down that kind of money at the time. So I got Baxter!! We stopped for gas on the way home from picking him up and he played chase with Cindy in the grass while I was inside. They bonded!!

Baxter should be a circus dog. He can stand on his hind legs forever. He loves to stand up but sit on his bottom...kind of like a gopher. It's really too cute. He does this thing when he wants to get attention...he will put his head under your hand and make you pet him! Needy little sucker.

Teddy~
After Baxter I was told we weren't getting another dog. Well....lol....the kids grandma decided to breed her little Yorkie. You know where this is going. He was just as cute as can be. Cindy who didn't want to get him soon became his best friend. They sleep all curled up together. It's nauseating. He is a little over four pounds.

Now you would think my butch girlfriend would be the last person wanting to put cute little shirts, sweaters, and jackets on this little dog. Well, you would be thinking wrong!! She loves dressing him! She even saw this leopard printed couch dog bed and wanted to get it for him. Craziness!!!

Teddy also has a secret. Ummm..how do I word this...well I will just tell you. For such a little dog...he has a huge...member. And he loves to show it to company. That little boy will air hump and expose new people to all of his manliness. I have no idea what to do about it. My kids have now witnessed this and my girls think it is the most disgusting thing they have ever seen. My son just laughs. I am not exaggerating either. It's HUGE! I think he has a hollow leg.

So that's the basics about our four legged kids. I am sure you will get to read many more stories about them. Maybe even video if I can ever figure out how to do that.

"Damn, your butt looks great in them jeans!"

Says the Gay Boy checking out my girlfriends butt at the grocery store...LOL

Let's go back a ways....When Cindy and I met I was working as a bartender at a local gay bar. (This isn't where we met or how....just where I was working at the time.) She would come in after work and hang out with me while I worked. One night while she is there one of my regular guys tells me to send a drink to the hot guy at the end of the bar. I look down the bar and giggle and say ok. I send down her drink. A little later he approaches the hot guy at the end of the bar...only it is no guy...it's my Girl. They laugh it off. I have been laughing at it for the last 2 and a half years.

So now to the present. Cindy decides she needs some new jeans. So with her Christmas Kohl's gift card she gets some. She puts them on today before we head out for errands. I love her butt in these jeans!!

We are at Price Chopper getting our food and these two gay boys walk up to get something from the same spot she is at. They both check out her butt as they walk up and comment on it to each other. Then, they take a closer look and realize it's my Girl. LOL I couldn't wait to walk away and tell her what had happened. She was not amused! LOL I then told her I was going to have to write about it in my blog because that is just too great a story.

Being the modest woman she is, she says, "Would you like me to pose so you can take pics of butt to post with it...it will help with the story." LOL That's my girl!!

Ummm...you are NOT a gangsta!

As you will learn I love to blog about my kids. Any parent knows they are a wealth of very funny stories.

Before moving to our current very yuppy suburban neighborhood we lived in the ghetto! We didn't know it was the ghetto when we moved in. It was a very cute and cozy little neighborhood, however after being there just 6 months we had a hit and run, 4 drive by shootings, and several home invasions. Not cool!! So we moved to the burbs. (Our friends have nicknamed us the Luppy's aka Lesbian Yuppy's)

We have noticed a lasting effect from living in the ghetto though. My children now think they are gangsta.

My son.
He loves to tap his chest and then throw you a peace sign which he follows up with saying, "Peace out!" He also loves his hoodies. He says they make him look "thug". WTH?? Why does my 11 year old son want to look thug for. Does he know he looks as "whitebread" as can be?? LOL


My middle child.
My girls are as cute as can be. I am a proud mother. And my older daughter is all girl!! She loves all things girly. So when she tells me she wants breads I am at a loss. I asked her why and she said because they are "tight". Tight??? The only meaning I know for that word is not something I want my 10 year old thinking about. She also has no rhythm. So when she tries to be "gangsta" she looks so funny!!


My baby.
She is the one that I said would either be President or the World's Best Stripper some day. Now she has rhythm. She also can throw down slang like she has spoke it her entire life. She has this amazing ability to blend into any group she may be hanging out with. However, lol, she ain't ghetto! LOL But she tries! Again, I am not sure why they think it is cool. She has now perfected the "butterfly" dance move.


After watching them be silly little gangsters.....I decided to throw down too!!

Peace Out!!!

How many lesbians does it take to fix a car?

I am really looking forward to my lazy weekend. While enjoying it, I am sure I will think of all the events of last weekend.

We currently have a piece of crap for a car. It's a mess really. It has seen many better days and we are shopping for something new. (Don't tell her as it might hurt her feelings and she may never start again!) Anyway...it seems like there is always something going wrong with it. After we got a butt load of snow I couldn't get it to start. It acted like it had a dead battery so I asked a good friend if she could come over and give me a jump. She does and we hook up the cables and vroom!!! She starts. However when I take my foot off of the gas she dies. Weird. And when my friend takes off the jumper cables it won't start at all. She thinks I have a dead battery.

A few days later my friend picks me up so we can get the battery out of the car and take it to the shop. Now you would think that would be pretty easy right? Not so much. The connections had corroded to the posts on the battery. It takes us forever to get the stupid things off. We (my friend and me watching..lol) finally get them off and take it to the shop. They test and sure enough the battery is dead. So I am going to have to get a new one. Mind you...Cindy has been out of town visiting her family and I am not sure what our finances are like so decide to wait till she gets back.

She gets back into town and this past weekend we decide to get the new battery and fix the car. We go to Wal-Mart and get a battery. We come back and sit it in the car and hook up the cables and nothing. Car does nothing at all. We get some sparks at the posts but that is it. So we decide to look at it on Saturday as it had gotten dark.

Saturday a male friend of ours stops by to take a look at it and he can't figure it out....he says maybe the cables are bad. Ugghhh. So friend comes back over and she messes with it some more. We even decide to use tinfoil to make a better connection. NEVER DO THIS!!! LOL Next thing I know there are flames shooting out from under the battery and I flip out. I take off running in the house and get the fire extinguisher. I nearly gave our little dogs heart attacks. I run back out and the fire is out. I look very confused I am sure...I guess it looked worse than it was as my friend was able to just blow it out.

Now those cables that might or might now have been bad are burned. So off to the parts store to get new cables. LOL not easy let me tell you. Hours later we finally have the damn thing rewired and we go to put in the battery. Just then...our friend realizes something. We had the battery in wrong!!! All that just because the battery was in wrong..the mounts were in the wrong places and we never checked that. So back to the store we go to get a different battery.

We get back with the new battery and put it in. We hook up the cables and the damn car starts on it's own. No key in the ignition or nothing just starts. And when I put the key in and try to turn it off it won't turn off!!! I do all I know to do and call the ex-father-in-law. He is a mechanic. He tells me to pull the center cord out of the distributor cap..but...whatever you do...don't touch the inside of it or you will get shocked with 30,00 joules of electricity. Well, that freaks me out...so I tell my friend to pull it out and I take many steps away. (I told her afterwards about the 30,000 joules..lol) The car turns off. We hook it back up and I will be damned if it didn't work right.

I have to say mad props to my friend...she did rewire the car and did it well. I wish I would have realized the battery was in backwards so she wouldn't have had to. LOL This is why I am not a mechanic my friends!! LOL

American Gladiators!!!

OK....so my Girl usually decides what we watch on TV. She is much more into certain shows than I am. In fact, I usually wind up working on a blog or pictures while sitting next to her as she watches something. A few weeks ago she told me about how excited she was that this show was coming back. I never really got into it when it use to be on and wasn't really looking forward to it now.

So last week it comes on and she is all into it. I was working on something online. Then they introduced the female gladiators....
This is Crush!! I would wrestle with her!!


Then there is Fury! I have to say that I know these women are suppose to be the bad guys....but I would have no problems losing to them!


And then there is Siren....yeah, this look isn't really scary to me. Wowzers ladies!!


So....if you read a blog that says I am going to be on American Gladiators..beware and tune in. As I might be the first woman thrown off the show for purpose losing in order to do some mad flirting with the hired help!!

I am n sure which one was Cindy's favorite...if it wasn't one of them mentioned I will have to be sure to add her to my list in order to stay out of "the dog house".

If you are in a relationship..do you have one of those list where if for some freak reason you were able to be with someone famous it is ok because thy are "the list"? Who is on your list? I don't have a list really.....maybe Shane from L word..Ohhhh Katherine!! LOL Cindy has said a few times she would do Ellen. I wonder what the weirdest person would be.

Hmmmm

From December 28, 2007

Congrats!! You are a Dork!!

Have you ever looked at someone and thought....."Wow, you are really stupid."? I am having one of those moments this morning. It amzes me sometimes how dumb people can be. And when you try to pass on your dumbness as "advice" you are most likely going to look like an idiot. Which is what happened this morning. (Don't worry...this person can't read my blogs...sucks to be them...cause my blogs are the shit!! LOL) Anyway..stupid people suck!!

I also think more people who don't watch soap operas but love to be in the middle of some drama...should start watching a soap opera to get their fix. I won't go into more than that as this is just a rant but I am amazed at the number of people who love to be in the middle of some huge saga. Get a life!

So what have we learned? If you are stupid....keep your mouth shut and don't pass on your stupidity to others! And watch more soaps! LOL

Maybe that will be my new year's resolutions. To educate stupid people and promote soap watching. While I am at it I will teach people proper edicate in shopping cart drivin. School other's on how to put clothes back on a hanger at the store so it doesn't fall off when I walk past it. I will teach my neighbor that his car goes in his double drive way not in front of my house. I seek to tell the lady down the street to bring her cat in at night so my dogs stop barking at it at 3 am in the morning. One should teach BMW, Lexus, and Hummer drivers where their turn signals are as they to hide them on them fancy cars. And to the moron who takes their 8 year old daughter to see a slasher film and then sit next to me.....you I shall sick Karma on!!!

Oh and world peace! LOL

Game Night!!

My friends and I like to have a game night about once a week. Sometimes it's not that often but that is what we shoot for. We play different games. It kind of depends on the mood. I have to point out that I rarely come out the winner on these nights. I am not sure why. I am certain it has nothing to do with skill!! LOL

I am amazed at the things my friends learn about me on these game nights. I know them so well I have no problems being very open with them. (Right about now you are shaking your head as you know a funny moment is a commin.) I have made up my own version of cuss words. I think it is far too easy to use the everyday four letter words the rest of the world uses...so I have come up with my own...like...

"Moses in a basket in the Nile in Egypt"

"God damn Mary of Magdalin foot washer freak job"

"Screw you Judas and your noose!"

Yeah, there is no ryme or reason to them. I say whatever pops into my head. And the weirder the better. Now I even have them saying my silly little swears. But that's not it. LOL This past week I got really into talking about God.

First off I believe in God. I am not insulting him. (Please no lightening!!) Sooo....I wondered...why did God make farts stinky? I mean he's God. He could have made them smell like cotton candy. But nope. They stink. And Buggers!! Why are they green and slimy and if He didn't want us picking our nose then why are our fingers small enough to get in there??? See where I am going?? Why did he make butt holes look so weird...all puckered?? So yeah, I had to ask all of this....outloud..in front of them. LOL

Game night is a trip at my house! Stay tuned for further stupid stories about things that come out of my mouth when my home girls are around!!

Happy Friday!!!

I am very excited it's Friday. Not because I had a long work week or anything. Nope! I am excited because my kiddo's come home today. I have a week on week off set-up with my ex-husband. Anyway they are coming home! I get to hear the latest dirty jokes my son has learned at school. I will be told why my youngest daughter hates her step-mom and step-sister. (The reasons are always different and will take a good hour to get through.) And then I will hear my older daughter tell me the million and one things that are just fabulous in her life. LOL She is the goody two shoes! I can't wait.

My partner is also excited for them to come home. Her name is Cindy. (Take a bow baby!) Anyway her reason's are different than mine. My son and she love to play pool. So she will now have her little game buddy back. I think she gets her joke material from him. Yeah! LOL

I have found that being a parent is an ever changing project. My son knows some of the dirtiest jokes I have ever heard. I am shocked when he shares them and Cindy tells me to stop freaking out. "We want him to come to us about this stuff, don't we?" Oh lordy lordy...how will I ever hold up. I look at him and see that sweet chubby baby.....not a growing boy. I am in for it I can tell.

My youngest daughter is a hoot!! First off, she knows dance moves that I have only seen in strip bars. I have no idea where she is learning them but it scares me a bit. My friends love to laugh as she shows her newest moves. I have decided she will either be President of the United States one day or the worlds most celebrated Stripper. I could ship her off to Catholic school however I am sure they would send her back. LOL She is a sweetheart but doesn't have that filter in her head that tells her not to say certain things. It is what it is. God love her.

My middle child. She loves to bake, she wants to learn to sew, she stares at her teacher because she is "hot". Yeah.....not sure if she likes boys or girls yet but we try not to bat an eyelash when she points out women she thinks are hot. As a parent I am not sure I am ready for a child of mine to have to face what I do for who I love. It has nothing to do with her being straight or gay...it has to do with the people who are filled with hate and are narrow minded.

So the kiddo's come home!! I am sure I will have new dirty jokes to share with you, maybe a new dance move to hurt myself trying, and a run down of who is hot at their school!

Happy Friday!

Ode to my left Boob!

So what better way to start out a blog than telling one of your most embarrassing moments? I mean really....don't people want to know just how far you will go in order for you to gain readers?? Well people, I'm willing to go all the way!

I was a freshman in track. I had also run in 8th grade so knew all of the warm up drills. I was asked to show the new girls that were trying out how to run drills. No problem. I teach them some moves and we get started. At one point we have a drill where you have to run the length of the football field while doing something that looks like the grapevine. I can't really explain it, rather, have to show them.

Here is where I should point out that I have had big boobs since I was 12. I run with three sports bras on in order to keep my girls under control. Anyway...so I start down the field showing the girls what to do. When I look over at the they are laughing and pointing. I think look at the guys standing on the sideline who are now staring at me with their mouths hanging open. What is going on? I look behind me...nothing.I am the only one on the field. Then I am aware of just what everyone is so moved by. One of my boobs had somehow worked it's way out of my triple sports bra bondage chamber and was sticking out as if trying to make a break for it. OMG!! Not only is my boob out......but I am in the middle of a football field...do you know what there is to hide behind in the middle of a football field??? Nothing!!

So I very calmly put my boob back in the bras and finish drills. There were some jokes for sometime but it eventually blew over. What was amazing, was the next year at open try outs...the tripled amount of boys who were trying out. Yesh!!

Lesson: If you have big boobies....wear four sports bras!

My First time!!

How exciting!! I just want to jump right into the main action...no warm up...no foreplay. I feel like getting naked...letting my juices flow....oh the first time....Yay!!

I am starting my new blog!! I have a blog on myspace however wanted to focus more on writing and less on the pictures I have there or the kick ass tunes on my playlist. I want my voice heard. (Those of you who know me and my big mouth are laughing but you know how I am.)

I have an interesting life. I am a divorced mother of three amazing kids who almost three years ago fell head over heels in love with a .......woman!! Who'd of thunk it?!

I have great friends who bring out an amazing side of me. The side in which I become a complete dork. I say things that I should never say. I do things that ....well...you get the point. And best of all.....I love to tell other's of those silly little things I do. So ....grab some coffee...or whatever you drink.....oh and get some paper towels as I will be damned if you send me hate mail because you have coffee drops on your screen from you spitting it out your nose but never cleaning it off. So there!

Enjoy!