If Men Had Boobs

Today I had the unpleasant experience of shopping for new bras. You must understand that I do this only under extreme duress. I don’t like shopping for anything (I know, unusual for a woman apparently), but shopping for brassieres is the worst of the worst. When I find one that actually fits, I buy like a zillion so I don’t have to go shopping for them for at least a decade. However, I’ve lost a lot of weight recently, which necessitated said shopping trip.

Suffice it to say that I have big boobs. Real boobs, too. No baggies filled with gelatinous substances inserted here! But now my size E boobs are only size DD boobs, which although smaller, are still plenty big. I am a curvy girl but my boobs are not billowing rolls of lard. They're just plain ol' big. I should also point out that I am fairly short, 5’ 3” to be exact. Evidently, these physical features seem to render fitted lingerie a near impossibility. Unfortunately, women with big hooters don’t have the luxury of walking around braless. If we did, our tits would eventually hang down to our navels, much like those tribal women in the National Geographic magazines. No thanks. Bras are a must.

So, after rifling through rack after rack of bras of every shape, size and color imaginable hanging on those stupid little hangers that get caught on each other, other bras, your sleeve, your purse, or whatever else comes in close contact with them, I came to believe that men and men alone design bras.

Therefore, this rant goes out to those dipshit male bra designers. If you men had boobs, you’d understand how frustrating it is to buy a decent fitting bra, but since men only have balls, allow me to enlighten you.

First of all, whatever inspired you to believe that a woman wants a piece of inflexible wire shoved under her boobs for ‘support’? Is it some kind of latent, sadistic desire to torture women? Let’s put that same wire in your whitey tighteys and see how much you like having a piece of wire grinding on your balls every time you move. How you’ve managed to flood the market with these instruments of torture is beyond my understanding. Excuse me, but my boobs, nor any other woman’s boobs, needs to be supported by a piece of fencing. Although in your primordial brain you may think of boobs as udders, we are not cattle and our boobs do not need to be corralled. Thank you very much, asswipe.

I realized today that male bra designers prefer small boobs. I can prove that because it is nearly impossible for anyone with big boobs to find a bra that is even remotely attractive. For those of us who are well endowed, it seems that bras are for utilitarian purposes only, that is, to hold those boulders up where they belong. No, instead of those cute, colorful bras for the tiny-titty-B-cup-and-under set, we get white, black or tan (and sometimes pink!!) industrial strength bras whose only embellishment might be some itchy lace. Let’s put some of that lace on your y-fronts, shall we, boys? And let’s not forget to mention that these same behemoths have shoulder straps that could double as seatbelts. Jesus effing Christ. Have some imagination, will you?

It has taken decades for women’s clothing to come in more diverse sizes, but finally it is possible for those of us in the low altitude zone to wear jeans that don’t drag along the ground and shirts whose sleeves aren’t rolled 5 times so they don‘t hang off your hands. Halle-fucking-luiah! So, now that we’ve come this far, why the hell haven’t any of you moron male bra designers figured out that short women have short bodies, therefore, it might be a good idea to shorten the length of the shoulder straps? Imagine yourself walking around with your whites drooping down your ass all day. That’s what it’s like. Dickweeds.

I believe that you poop-for-brains male bra designers imagine that every woman has boobs like Barbie’s. It probably relates back to your childhood when you hid in the closet with your sister’s Barbies, perversely stroking those enormous plastic tits. Let’s face it, Barbie has some pretty perky knockers, but it begs the question: Have any of you imbeciles ever seen any real tits? THEY ARE NOT POINTED!!!!! And furthermore, real boobs can’t be squeezed into points! So why do you design bras that could pop balloons, retards? Does anyone have deformed enough boobs to wear one of those monstrosities? Oh that’s right! Barbie does! Good lord.

Okay, I’m done ranting. I feel better now. Thanks for listening! By the way, for the record, after an hour of trying on a multitude of brassieres, I managed to find ONE that fit, although it looks like a seat cover for an F-150 with obligatory seatbelt straps – white, of course. Swell. Just swell.

Our first sleep over!!

I have three amazing kids. If you have visited here before you know I love to brag about them. They are good kids and a great source of entertainment. This weekend was no different.

My son's best friend was invited to sleep over. This is the first sleep over we have had. I get a bit nervous of how other kids will react to my partner and I. My kids are very adjusted to things and adore my partner. But, other kids may not be as educated about this as my children are.

So....the kid shows up. I speak with his mother for a bit.....does he have allergies...things like that. She leaves and then her son opens his mouth and the funniest stuff I have ever heard started coming out. And it wasn't 12 year old boy funny, but, grab your stomach milk shooting out your nose might wet yourself funny. Not only that....if you have ever wondered what Jack of Will and Grace would have been like....you need to meet this kid. He is so animated and funny..by the end of the night my partner and I are saying "Just Jack" after his funny jokes.

I don't remember kids being this funny when I was that age. In fact I recall a lot of them still being pretty silly. This kid is far from silly.

I let him and his mother know that he is invited anytime. I am not sure how to tell her to make sure she gives me a couple days notice so I can invite my friends over to see this. LOL

The Welcome Wagon!

If you have been reading my blog for awhile you know my old neighborhood was not very Gay friendly. In fact, they down right hated us! But, things are much different in the new neighborhood.

As we were moving in the lady behind our house (we sit on a corner at an odd angle so our next door neighbor is more behind our house than beside it) was on her porch with her two beautiful dogs and made small talk through my window. She was so nice. We talked about our dogs, my kids, and the neighborhood. I thought it was a nice start to a new neighborhood.

The weather has been getting nicer and we have been out more. We walk the dogs a lot and have had no issues with people (teenage boys with too much free time) shouting rude things or making threats. In fact, neighbors have come out and made small talk as we pass.

Yesterday, was a beautiful day. We headed to the park a block from our house and watched the kids play. They know a lot of the kids as they go to school with them. We met some of the other parents are were once again impressed with just how nice everyone was. One family even sent their number home with my youngest so we could arrange “play dates”. I was so excited. Could we have finally found just the right spot for this couple of Luppies? (Luppie….a Lesbian Yuppie….my very own creation!)

Then the most amazing thing happened. We were sitting down watching TV. Talking about how much fun we had at the park when the doorbell rang. The last time the doorbell rang and it wasn’t a friend coming to visit it was an old neighbor telling me someone had spray painted horrible stuff on my garage. So, who was this new person, in the neighborhood knocking at my door….and were they coming with words of kindness?? It was one of our new neighbors we had yet to meet. And they had a gift. A welcome to the neighborhood gift! Can you believe it? And she talked and told us about her and her husband. She got to know us and we invited her and her hubby for dinner next week. When we went back inside we opened our gift. Many different kinds of chocolate covered strawberry's. I am in heaven!! She owns her own business in chocolate! (The best kind of neighbor to have lol!!) Check out her site at www.chocolatelegacy.com

I love our new home. We have been painting and decorating and it just has all turned out really well. I wasn’t sure I would get to a point where I could start to heal over the things that happened in our old neighborhood. However, I have.
Sometimes bad things happen. But with those moments can come the current we need to get to a much better place in our life. When a storm rolls in we dread having to get in the rain and wind. But that fresh air smell, the feel of warm sunshine on our skin, and chirping birds after it….can be an amazing moment. I weathered the storm.

I didn't forget about you TMZ!!

A few days ago I got this great idea to do a story on TMZ and their staff. Easier said than done! I have to say, if I ever become famous…I want to hire them in order to keep everything about me SECRET. I have never had such a hard time finding stuff to scoop on. But, I did find a few things…LOL

I have learned that TMZ’s site's publicist, Gillian Sheldon, sends out spam mail to most any reporting medium multiple times a day. Everything from Lindsey’s shopping trip to the Federline-Spears’ kids got a hair cut. One site was so annoyed with it they sent her a list of 10 questions kind of as a joke to see if she would let up.

“1. Who and what the fuck is TMZ and why are you so obsessed with every ass-scratch of the American Idol contestants?

TMZ is an entertainment news website powered by AOL and Telepictures. And we care about Idol ass-scratches because AMERICA cares about them.”
Oh yeah….that was straight from the story…you can read the rest of it here.. http://gawker.com/news/publicists/10-questions-for-tmz-publicist-gillian-sheldon-161998.php
I wonder which of the oddly normal people on the show is this Gillian Sheldon. You would think she would have a major role when you seem to only find her name on their site….but not so much. She is the dumpy blonde who inserts a story here and there and looks like she has no idea what is going on but then just happens to have a story come to mind and would like to share.
One of their photographer’s was kicked out of the big brother house already this season. Parker didn’t last long and didn’t admit he was with TMZ to the houseguest. Almost like he was ashamed of it something. Can’t imagine why..lol

But, there is more!! I guess they do make mistakes from time to time…lol and even break the law…wanna hear?? Of course you do!!
In June this past year they leaked “If I Did It” manuscripts on their website. Turns out the Goldman family (who had hoped to publish the aborted book project under the new title “Confessions of a Double Murderer” are pissed that the public may have already seen the manuscript’s meatiest sections. And, since TMZ violated a court order by posting the contraband material (and may have cost the Goldmans a pretty penny in future profits) they could be facing some hefty fines down the line.
Fortunately, TMZ just happens to have a “rich daddy” named Time Warner.

More with TMZ and OJ-
Four-time felon and O.J. Simpson setter-upper Thomas Riccio supposedly scored a cool $165,000 from TMZ.com in September in exchange for the audio tape of Simpson screaming at sports memorabilia collectors during that infamous spell in Las Vegas.
“While he initially sought $2 million, Riccio settled for the six-figure payout, which is still likely the largest sum paid by a gossip site for a story,” reports The Smoking Gun, which, like TMZ, is owned by Time Warner. “In its original report about the tape, TMZ stated that it had “obtained” the recordings, avoiding any mention that their procurement was secured by a $165,000 check delivered to Riccio’s Los Angeles home.
“Riccio signed a TMZ contract containing a confidentiality clause barring him from disclosing details of the financial transaction, presumably so that future “sources” don’t use the $165,000 payoff as a template in their negotiations with the site, which is co-owned by Time Warner’s AOL and Telepictures units. TMZ is apparently the only Time Warner entity that is allowed to pay for stories or tips (that corporate roster includes CNN, magazines like Time, People, and Sports Illustrated, and small outfits like The Smoking Gun).”
Oh….we have to talk about all that reporting they do on Miss Britney. The L.A. County Sheriff’s Department is arresting photogs for cheap offenses like jaywalking. The story was reported by TMZ. Among those detained: two TMZ photogs. I guess Crime does pay…if you work for TMZ.
That is where I will end this post….but I’m not done with TMZ. I really want to know more about the cast that sits in that little room and talks trash about celebs and laughs at whatever they think is cute they are reporting on. I am determined to find a bad picture….you know…one where you look like hell and are in line at Taco Bell!! Stay tuned!

I have a crush!!

Have you ever heard a little clause in some relationships...that if you were given the chance to be with a certain star you kind of got a free pass from you love to be with that one person? I don't have this clause. LOL To be honest I wouldn't want one either. My Girl would impress some Hollywood Glamor girl and leave me...lol. Anyway...if we did have this clause....

Ellen Page.


I first saw her in Hard Candy. Where she plays a mature 14-year old girl who meets a charming 32-year old photographer on the Internet. Suspecting that he is a pedophile, she goes to his home in an attempt to expose him. There is even a scene where she makes him think she has removed his balls. It was intense. Something about the way she carried herself was just amazing!!

I have yet to see Juno...I know I know I need to get on it. But it looks great!! And the Oscar nod had to be amazing for her.

For now....I will enjoy my little crush...I can't wait to see what other amazing things this young woman will do.

All my exes

So my Lady and I were sitting and talking about ex loves the other night. (How many of you just groaned and rolled your eyes??!!) I made a huge mistake. BIG! I asked, "So who was the best in bed....it's ok baby...I won't get mad." Do not say this unless you are certain she is going to say your name. That 1.5 seconds she is thinking about it will kill you!! lol

I have dated some interesting one's let me tell you. I started in church camp...chuch camp boys were great. Then a few from the track team....then married the first one that came along in college....divorced him....then it kinda gets confusing. lol I went through this phase where I was very happy to be single and dated. I had many first dates...and few repeats. If I did date someone it was only briefly...about to the point where they started talking marriage and then I was out! One man proclaimed he never masterbated in his life! One had a thing for big butts. I didn't know whether to be insulted or flattered with that one. Another loved to hear me sing. One ....well...he liked ...yeah I can't even say it..let's just say it was wierd and he got dismissed quickly. When I me my girl....it was done..she was what my search was all about.

She too, has some interesting ex's. One who's but was so hairy that they called him monkey butt. No joke!

So when I asked the question "Who was the best" I thought there was no way any of those clowns would out rank me. But again, that 1.5 seconds was horrible!!

Then...I think about another woman...and her love life...and ... I don't feel so bad anymore!!

TMZ

I am not sure how many of you are familar with the show...it's a celebrity gossip show that really just doesn't hold any punches. (here's a link to thier hompage if you aren't familar http://www.tmz.com/)

My Girl loves this show. She has it set up to record everynight on the DVR. I cannot stand the show. I am one of those that thinks getting my news should come from an actual news broadcast and not the latest episode of what Brittney had for dinner at the drive through at taco bell. However I sit in the bed next to my girl as she gets her nightly fix. I then had this light bulb switch on over my head! (No, really there is a short in the light above our bed and if you rock the bed a certain way it will turn it on!) And then I have a great idea! What if someone started reporting on them!! Just making up some interesting gossip about their pictures. And who better......than little ol me!

The only hard part....finding a list of their staff. I am now going to have to watch the broadcast tonight with my pen and paper to take names! I find it interesting that you can't find a listing on their page....makes you think they want privacy or something....ironic. Anyway....I will come back to this when I can find more about their staff and I am sure the embarrassing photo's of them that might be out there.

Stay Tuned!!

L Word Fever

So this weeks episode was great!! And I wanted more as soon as it ended..(did anyone else hear the "want more" right after the show....that happened right after I said...."I want more" was kind of funny)

So we all knew Jenny2 (her creepy assistant)was up to no good. I am still not sure if she is in love with Jenny or what is up but looks like she about to bring down the production with that little sex tape. Can't wait.

Jenny1 still just gets under my skin. I am not sure why she is still on the show but she just drives me nuts.

Bette and Tina...first off I hate the way they showed Jodi finding out. How sad. I saw that going a different way in my head. There of course was going to be no easy way of telling her. I am happy to hear Bette and Tina are still in love with each other and they are getting back together. I love them together. I would love to see more of little Angie...that is one cute kid.

Shane converts a straight girl....again. LOL I actually really like this girl. However, I am not going to get too attached because we all know Shane isn't ever going to find a woman who can finally go through her the way she goes through them. It should be interesting either way.

Is it just me or has Kit really put on some weight this season? From the previews it looks like they might be getting rid of her. It looks like she is going to lose the planet to them "SheBar Bitches".

Alice .... she really is just too cute. What a touching moment with the pictures...and leaving one of Dana...it was very sweet. I love that Tasha and her are going to move in together...they crack me up. She is perfect for Tina and can help keep her in check.

Max...I am so confused!! First she is a girl who likes girls but wants to become a man. But then she doesn't go all the way with the surgery but still identifies as a man...then falls for a gay man. I am so confused. If someone has some knowledge on this please educate me.

All in all this has been a great season. I am sad as there are only two episodes left. The season always ends way too soon. What ever will I do with my Sunday nights? Boo Hoo...lol

Again, I would love to hear what other's have to say. My friends all think I am a bit silly for getting so worked up over Jenny. She just gets under my skin.

She did what??

I just got the greatest call from an old friend that had me rolling on the floor so I had to share. I tend to be the subject of such funny stories so the fact that I am not in this one is really a nice change. LOL

I have a great friend who lives way down south and has been fighting off rumors that she is gay for a very long time. Well a few years ago she came out to all her friends. We of course always knew but were proud of her step. She didn't come out to her family though.

Her mother is by far one of the most caring and heartwarming women I have ever known. She has always considered me family and treated me as such. When I came out to her she didn't bat an eye. She said whatever I was, as long as I was happy, she was happy for me. So I am not sure why my friend would be afraid to tell her mother. But, that's her call.

Here is the story:
My friend was out riding horses and having a good time. She had some friends over and they were all showing off. She decides to race one of the guys. I am not sure what spooked her horse but everyone who was watching said she was winning the race one minute and then flying through the air the next. Everyone ran to her side to see if she was ok when they notice the very odd angle her leg is in. She tries to stand up and screams. There is something very wrong with her leg. So off to the ER they go. Here is where I should point out that she is very masculine in how she carries herself and how she dresses. She had the annoying moment when the nurse called her Sir. And then was even more bothered when she found out her mother had been called.

Her mom shows up just as they are drugging her. They then tell them both she is going to have surgery and are going to cut off her jeans. My friend goes crazy. She keeps telling them she can get them off just give her some privacy. They won't let her stand up now that she has all those narcotics in her system and don't want to risk her further harming her leg. So they start cutting. Her mom tells her she will buy her new jeans so just relax. My friend is still going crazy. She pulls the nurse in close and whispers something to her...the nurse asks her to repeat it and when she does the nurse says out loud, "What is packing?"

I of course am laughing my ass off when I get to this point in the story..my friend has to wait for the tears to stop rolling so she can tell me the rest. I guess the meds really take over at this point and she is out....so they cut off her jeans. She goes to surgery and wakes up in recovery. She doesn't remember much right off and seems ok. Then her mom goes back in there to see her...she asks how she feels and all that jazz....then she wants to know why she had a plastic penis in her pants. I would have begged for more drugs at that moment.

So, my dear friend, came out to her mother and defined "Packing" (see definition in previous post)to her. Her mother was actually very cool about the whole thing....and then said this would be worse then her having had on dirty underwear.

A few months later it's my friends birthday. Again her mother is super cool and very understanding.....what did mommy get her for her big day??? A gift certificate to a naughty store, some break away pants, and new...clean underwear. What a mom!!

Lesbo Lingo

·androgyny-the state of being neither particularly masculine nor feminine, or of being ambiguous. From the Greek meaning literally man-woman

·bisexual-someone who is attracted to both males and females

·breeder-a derogatory term for a heterosexual

·Butch and Femme-are terms often used in the lesbian and gay subcultures to describe, respectively, masculine and feminine traits

·chapstick lesbian-a lesbian who is very into sports, a sports dyke

·closet-where one hides with one's clothes. Gays who are not public about being gay are said to be "in the closet."


·coming out-to exit the closet by becoming openly queer

·Dyke-is a slang term for a lesbian with certain qualities. Originally it was a derogatory label for a masculine or butch woman, and this usage still exists. However, it has also been reappropriated as a positive term implying assertiveness and toughness, or simply as a neutral synonym for lesbian

·family-a code word referring to gays or the gay community, as in, "Ellen Degeneres is Family."

·gaydar-gay radar, the sense by which queers identify other queers

·gold star-lesbian who has never slept with a man

·lipstick lesbian-A lipstick lesbian is a slang term for a stereotypically feminine lesbian who is attracted to other feminine women, rather than a lesbian who is attracted to more masculine women, such as in a "butch and femme"-type relationship. It is also used to describe a gay (or bisexual) woman who exhibits feminine gender attributes, such as wearing make-up (thus, lipstick), wearing dresses or skirts and perhaps having other characteristics associated with feminine women.

·Lone star-someone who has only slept with one person in their life

·outed-having it announced publicly that one is queer by someone other than oneself, usually when one would rather stay in the closet.

·packing-among lesbians, to wear a strap-on dildo, usually under one's clothes. Also, to put something (such as a pair of rolled-up sweatsocks or a cut up Kotex) in the underwear or shorts to achieve the illusion that there is something else there.

·pride-1)n the belief that Gay is Good! 2)adj used in titles of events to denote that they are queer celebrations

·soft butch- A soft butch is a lesbian whose appearance is generally androgynous. She may dress and act in a masculine manner, but be soft and more feminine in the inside. Also, a soft butch can be someone who falls somewhere between butch and femme, but closer to the butch side.

·toaster oven-referring to the coming out episode of the TV show Ellen, wherein Ellen Morgan's new friend who has just revealed herself to be a lesbian makes a crack about if she had converted one more person, she would have gotten a toaster. Ellen, deep in denial of her own sexuality, says that if that's gay humor, she doesn't get it. Later, Ellen goes to the airport to find her new friend and tell her "I got the toaster joke." At the end, lesbian rock star Melissa Etheridge puts in a brief appearance to sign Ellen up as gay and give Ellen's friend her toaster. Thus the shirt, "Ask me how you can win a toaster."

·uhauling-refers to the rapidity in which lesbians want to commit.

·vagitarian-a code word for lesbian (and if you can't figure it out, then I can't help you)

·vanilla-non-leather or non-kinky sex or the people who have that kind of

Yadda Yadda Yadda

I haven't been able to keep up with this season of the L Word. So, as I lay in bed sick with the flu I decide it is time to get caught up. I go to Showtime on Demand and set in for hours of L Word bliss. Wow...lol

First off, why on earth is Jenny still here? I was so happy when they left her stuck in the middle of the ocean. Why did she have to come back? The chick is just off her rocker. And her assistant...what the fluff? I am not completely caught up yet...but I just finished the episode where she get's her make over. I am so confused. She is obviously not what she says she is. But, I am still not sure what the hook is going to be.

Shane. That woman can find more trouble than even me. LOL She has all this drama because of women so swears them off. Then decides to mix with a couple....can we say dumb??

Bette and Tina are fooling around!! Now, in the normal world I would never condone cheating however they just belong together.

I am off to watch some more. I would love to hear what other people have to say about the many story lines they have going this season.