But, I was a cheerleader!!

“But, I was a cheerleader!” I shouted behind me as I take off running preparing to do a round-off. I should mention I haven’t done one of these since I was in college.

I will forever be 21. I don’t care how many birthdays come and go, this isn’t going to change. I look in the mirror and don’t understand why the Wendy looking back at me looks like she will be 30 while the Wendy looking in the mirror is clearly 21. How can this be. I will buy a new mirror!

I can still do everything I did when I was 21. In my head, I can still do everything I did when I was 21. Just the other day I realized that it is “all of a sudden” taking me longer to walk the hill that is half the size of the hill I use to have to climb to get to school. “The hill must be as big or bigger but looks smaller now that I am all grown up!” I don’t acknowledge that I haven’t grown an inch since the sixth grade.

So I am off running across the yard to this amazing feat of cheerleader greatness! I am going to show my girls just how cool their mother still is.

“Crack!” What was that?? “Snap” What the hell?

In that moment, my arms went in the air. I was too far in the act of pulling off the amazing acrobatic gesture that I couldn’t stop. My knees kind of wobbled and banged together as they bent to propel me into space! And wham!! The ground.

I have no idea what happened. One minute I was bragging about my mad skills and the next fearing months of traction for the injuries I was sure to have just endured.

I am still 21. I can still do all the things I did when I was 21. My body just doesn’t believe me!

Potty Mouth!!

It is 6:45am. I haven’t been to bed yet. I can hear the coffee pot going behind me. A really great movie is running on cable. I am not a huge fan of movies on cable but it will do. I am trying to keep up on my blogs. I have been reading and commenting on my favorites. It’s not packing….that’s what I should be doing is packing. But, this stuff will still be here to pack when I am done. LOL

Totally off subject…. Have you seen the commercials for True North nuts? Oh lord…well at the end of the commercial it says something about a simply great nut snack. I never hear that. I never hear nut snack. You know what I hear so I don’t have to type it. I will be in another room and can’t see the television..but I can hear that commercial come on. When I do I laugh because I know they are going to say the tag line and I am going to hear it wrong. My brain refuses to hear it correctly.

Have you ever wondered if you have Turrets syndrome? First off if you suffer from this I am not making fun of this at all. I have read many things on this topic and cannot imagine how your day to day must be. Now….I sometimes sit…and out of no where….a curse word comes sailing through my brain. Or the entire nut snack commercial thing. And if I am telling a funny story to friends who are adults….I have to put in as many curse words as possible. Who does that? And I am bored with the same old curse words. I like my own…and I like to strew them all together. Like….”Jesus, plowing Mary on a coffee table while Lazarus drops his thumb on her!” Yeah….I have no idea where it comes from but it flies out and it taste good in my mouth. “Moses in a basket in a Nile in Egypt. “

Who made up curse words? I mean, who was sitting around and hit their thumb and said…”F*(K” I would never have come up with that word. I would have been more like “Blehamm!” So, where did they come from? I am going to have to Google the creator of my favorite curse words. We shall see what we come up with.

Coffee’s ready!!

Shhhhh.....I stole it!!

I stole these 50 questions from Spacey Stacey. She stole them from someone named blue. Lesbians are a stealing bunch let me tell you!! :)

1) What do you add to your coffee? creamer and sugar
2) What are you reading now? blogs
3) Do you own a gun? No. I have little people in my home….wouldn’t feel safe
4) Are you registered to vote? yes
5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? sometimes
6) What do you think of hot dogs? Only good with pork and beans or as a corn dog!!
7) Favorite Christmas Song? I have a few…I love Christmas songs
8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? coffee. i'm not human without it.(amen sista!!)
9) Can you do push ups? Yes, but refrain from doing them as it might make me healthy
10) What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? bf: Clayson (total geek), gf: The Chavez
11) What’s your favorite piece of jewellery? My engagement ring
12) Favorite hobby? hot lesbian sex (stole answer from spacey Stacey who stole that answer from blue, but hey, we have the same hobby, how cool is that?)
13) Do you work with people who idolize you? absolutely ;-)
14) Do you have ADD? Look….something shiny!!!
15) What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? I love all things ME! lol
16) What’s your Middle name? Lea
17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. We should hire a moving company. I really should be packing. Why is my woman giggling upstairs?
18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday. nothing
19) Name 3 beverages you regularly. Iced tea mostly
20) Current worry right now? money, money and moving
21) What side do you dress to? Ummm I thought you had to have male parts for that and I am fresh out of those sorry
22) Favorite place to be? in the wife's arms. (and if she's naked, even better)
23) How did you bring in the New Year? at home with the wife
24) Where would you like to go? Hawaii
25) Name three people who will complete this. I dunno
26) Whose answers do you want to read the most? everyone's
27) What color shirt are you wearing? White
28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No…I sleep in satin PJ’s and if you run and jump on satin sheets while wearing satin Pj’s you will hit the wall and it will hurt!!
29) Can you whistle? yup
30) Favorite colors(s)? pink
31) Could you be a pirate? I am done searching for bootie
32) What songs do you sing in the shower? Whatever is stuck in my head…right now..I kissed a girl just to try it…taste of her cherry chapstick!
33) Favorite girls name? don't have one
34) Favorite boy’s name? don't have one
35) What’s in your pocket right now? nothing
36) Last thing that made you laugh? My adorable yorkie
37) Best bed sheets as a child? Rainbow brite suckers!! You know you’re jealous
38) Worst injury you’ve ever had? Had a few bad ones…I am a clutz
39) Do you love where you live? In the middle of moving.
40) How many TVs do you have in your house? 4 right now
41) Who is your loudest friend? Christy
42) How many dogs do you have? 2
43) Does anyone have a crush on you? doubt it
44) What are the most fun things you ever did? plenty. and plenty i can't tell you either
45) What are your favorite books? Anything with Dean Koontz
46) What is your favorite candy? chocolate
47) Favorite Team? MSU by marriage….Auburn by blood!!
48) What songs do you want played at your funeral? I kissed a girl and I liked it…lol..oh wait that was some other question
49) What were you doing at 12 AM? Chatting with my woman online who was just upstairs…..we are that couple
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? oh god, what time is it?

"So, who's the daddy?"

My youngest is an adorable little girl. Well, all three of my kids are adorable, but that little one is funny. There will never be an end to the funny stories I can share thanks to this one.

We are at the pool the other day having a good time. My girl and I are working on our tans and the kids are swimming with friends. We get in quite a bit to join in the fun playing sharks and minnows or dunking...whatever the game is at the time.

No matter where we go, it is often asked who is the mom. They are usually asking who is the biological mother. I of course let them know that is me. I then point out they look more like their dad. Here is where it usually gets weird.

We live in this world of politcal correctness. I am not complaining, just helping to explain. Everyone is so careful about what they ask and how they ask it. It would seem a lot of straight people have no clue how gay relationships work (as if they are night and day different from straight relationships) and want to ask questions. They are not sure they can ask questions though! Unless they are 8. At the age of 8 you are free to ask any question you want and it's ok. You're a kid and you don't understand and you want to know. Your mother might want the earth to open up and swallow her at that moment but you can still ask! This is what happened.

We are swimming with the kids and their little friends. One of the girls asks my youngest who is the mommy. My daughter points out that I am the mommy. She then goes on to say that my girl is her step mommy and she has another step mommy and a daddy. Her friend is very confused at this point and her mother who is right behind her is starting to pray in her head. "Lord, please do not let her ask...don't...please!" Too late. The little friend looks at my girl and asks...are you the daddy? I give a little laugh as my girl gets nervous on how to explain. I decide to save her.

"Her dad lives with his new gf." "This is my gf." The little girl does not understand. She then wants to know where my bf is. I explain I don't date boys I date girls. The mother is listening very closely and decides that since we are so open she can get her lesbian education.

I get to sit for the next 45 minutes in the shallow end of the pool explaining how lesbian relationships work. How we do things like other couples, have the same stress, and so on. The woman was just in awe.

Do people really think we are that different? She tells me she was sure we all had orgies and jumped from one partner to the next and other such things. I laughed. I explained that we weren't the local frat and it's sad that the world has given her view like this.

A little while later she comes back and wants to talk more. At the end of the conversation she says....it must be awful having a relationship without sex. What?? I asked what made her think we didn't have sex and she stammers to explain that you can't without "the male member". I about die. I am laughing so hard I can't breathe! My girl now wants the world to swallow her up!

I got to educate a middle aged, hoity toity yuppie house wife about oral sex, and the art of girl on girl love making. What is even more amazing than that...she didn't blush once...in fact...had we not been in a pool I am sure she would have been taking notes!

I think I am going to start a new business...I am going to go from yuppieville to yuppieville and educate those poor housewives on the ways of the world. Saving all of those other helpless lesbians in the neighborhood pools from having to explain, "Which one's the mommmy and which one's the daddy?"

Is the internet addictive.....

I am sitting here watching the reunion of celebrity rehab. I have to say....if I ever start doing a drug...you fool's won't be tricking me into an intervention. I have seen that show...I don't want to be in a room where all you see is "a bunch of people who love me". Anyway, back on point, I am listening to how they define addiction...and it struck me. I think I have an addiction. I have to check my email at least twice a day. I love looking at the gossip rags to see what celeb is doing what. I have to see what is going on with my facebook and myspace pages. I have to send a comment back to anyone who posts one for me. (This can be very hard work on myspace around a holiday if you have a lot of friends....and I'm kick ass cool..so I do.)

I have gone without. It wasn't pretty. We were switching from satellite to cable and the Internet changed as well. I couldn't get online. Apparently we lived in the only spot in the effing world with no wifi signal. I was nuts. I constantly felt like I was missing something. Someone was waiting on a reply and I didn't even know.... or .... someone had let me a cute pic of a kitten with from ears and I hadn't sent something clever back. Say it ain't so!!

I am not sure I could ever give up this addiction. One....it would be so hard on all of you...I mean what would life be like without my horrible grammar and typos. I have some funny stories that you all love to read because it makes your life look normal. I know this and I gladly sacrifice myself for all of you.

Didn't she die a while back??

I can’t believe it’s been over two months since I have posted a blog. That is just crazy!! I’m back!! I always wonder how much other people want to know about my day to day life. I am kind of known for my silly stories here and not a running commentary on what is going on in my life. So…. If you are one of those readers who just wants to read another funny story you probably can skip the rest of this one. I am going to give an update. We (my lady and I) are officially engaged!! Ring and all! I don’t take it off and wave it under anyone’s nose. My produce guy at the grocery store is really quite sick of it! We are also moving. I will no longer be blogging from Kansas City. We are moving to Michigan. M-I-C-H-I-G-A-N!! I love warm weather. I adore warm weather. I cannot stand snow, ice, and cold weather. So this move is a huge change for me. I am excited as it’s back where my girl is from. She will be able to show me so many things from her childhood. But I am not looking forward to the winters! I am sure there will be some blogs when I am hiding out from the cold.

I was running my own photography business and writing. I have decided that more income could be a great help right now so am headed back to the office. I worked in investments for many years back in the day and am happy to be returning to it. I hope I am as good as I use to be and can wow them good ol boys with my mad skills!!!

I am also writing a book. Stop rolling on the floor and laughing. I know I seem a bit A.D.D. but I am doing it. It’s not something I sit down and work on everyday. I should do that but don’t. Anyway so I have started it. I have to say it has actually been rather therapeutic. I’m digging it.

And that’s what’s up! I didn’t die. I didn’t go straight. I didn’t go underground in fear of the ozone finally coming apart and us all burning to death by the big ball of flames in the sky until they ship us off to Mars! I’m back.

Oh, and a good friend has joined the blogging world. She is actually doing this very cool dating thing so go check her out! http://samepoo.blogspot.com/